14
June 2020
1:14
AM
How
are you feeling?
The
question should rather be – are you feeling anything at all?
Yes
and No.
There
are many things at the back of my mind, nothing that I’m choosing to deal
properly with right now. It is there; it is making me miserable, I don’t know
what I can do, except to feel miserable. Writing it on paper would have been
more therapeutic, but maybe wouldn’t have remained private for long. Haha – I
always have this fear of my writings of misery being discovered and then of the
writing not being understood, sympathised and empathised with, of it being seen
as useless. I don’t need that kind of rejection right now, ya’know?
How
are you feeling?
Miserable,
as I said before. I am not alone though, the whole wide world currently might
be feeling the same in some way or the other. These are horrible times and
getting through it alive only should make me happy. It does not. I am done with
gratitude, I can’t see anything to be grateful for right now. I have exhausted
my reserves I think. Others have it much worse, I am aware. That does not take
away my experience, does it? Have you heard of Relative and Absolute
deprivation? I feel bad for people experiencing the
latter. I feel bad for myself for going through the former.
People
are dying. The world is literally on fire. Justice and power don’t seem to
co-exist. Social media exists and so do people who use it to amplify hate and
spread it all around. Well done! What have you done?
What
have I done? What can I do?
I
think that is one of my problems. That makes me uneasy as nothing else does. I
have been through the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness before, but the
feelings have just come back with a force 100 times multiplied than the last
time. I have excuses. I don’t have energy – sometimes not even to move around
the room I’m restricted to. I haven’t stepped out in about two and a half months
now. Human interaction in actual human form is limited to my interactions with
my mother; the nature which I’m sure has changed. I don’t like the change and
yet here we are. I can only manage to snap back half the times and then realise
that she is also a human only, trying to stay sane in these testing times and
then I feel guilty and the other half of times I am trying to make jokes and
pretend some semblance to normality. What is normal anymore?
Did
you see how I dodged the topic of “What have I done?” Impressive, right?
(Some
sort of feeling is surely returning to me as I write, not bad.)
(I
did it again. I’m just fooling myself at this point.)
Action
and Acceptance, the guidance and counseling professor said. Act on what you can
change, accept on what you cannot. I remember it. You bet I do. Have I been
able to implement it? NO.
I
think the action that is left for me to do now is to accept whatever is going
around the world. It is a freak show, really. Nothing surprises me anymore.
It’s one horrible event followed by another and the order and balance seem to
be unravelling one thread a day. One thread? Many threads a day! Or maybe the
world was always in a flux and it is just the access to information – the
information overload – that is causing all this misery.
Standing
by and observing as all hell is breaking loose. As if there was anything else
left to do.
